Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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