The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, beer. Big fan.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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