hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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