It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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