Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
being pregnant is like rehab
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
