New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
