I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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