you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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