hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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