Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
