last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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