and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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