Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize