I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
