$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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