Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
