Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
