i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
