you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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