if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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