The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have tasted many bathrooms
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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