You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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