I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize