Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
