Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i will never coherently bang her
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
