Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
