Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
