apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
