saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
