No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
