The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
