On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
