what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
