Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You are a booty call, not a friend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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