Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
