I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
