dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize