wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
