What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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