I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
