so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
