I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
