First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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