Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
