I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
