Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
