Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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