I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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