Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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