the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i drank out of a bidet.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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