Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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