Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
