yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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