I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
