the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
