either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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