your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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