I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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