dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
