i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
