Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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