I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
